Earlier today I was sitting quietly, waiting, and scanning through my cell phone address book. We all do this from time to time, to pass away the minutes while waiting and to keep our minds from drifting in the silence of a cold waiting room. Today's scan was different from any other I have ever performed. Today I am scanned across a contact of a dear friend, who's name and number will forever be silent, never to beam across my line again. A name and a number of my friend, a wonderful woman, who is no longer here on earth. This notion caught me off guard, surprisingly. I thought I had come to terms with this situation surrounding my friend, but this scan ignited some feelings inside me that I thought were tamed.
Two weeks ago my phone rang and this particular name and number came up. I was in a sticky situation involving a diaper and was unable to answer. A quick mental note was taken to return a call to this precious friend of mine; but I failed at my mental note taking skills. 48 hours later my phone rang yet again; this time the number displayed but no name. Upon answering I discovered my precious friends husband on the other end, crying. He revealed to me through a wall of pain , that my precious friend was no longer with us. My dear friend had spread her wings and left this life for a different future, silenced from us here on earth.
I went numb. My mind immediately went to the phone call I had so easily passed off. Why didn't I take that call? Why didn't I allow a moment, even with poopie hands to answer and just hear my friends voice, to just let her hear my voice and say "Darling I am covered in shit, let me call you back." Why didn't I?
I could go on and on and on with the Why's, and I have, but the truth of the matter is my friend has passed on to another stage. Her name and number in my cell phone address are silenced, never to actively wake-up my phone again. I am greatly saddened by the loss of my friend. I miss her terribly. And today seeing her name there in print on my phone just made it all clear that she is gone. Forever silenced but always in my heart.
I love you S.S. May you forever rest in peace, in silence and in love. In your honor I will make certain I am always there for anyone who needs me, even if it is just for a quick laugh!
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My heart breaks for you girl. I have been there in that moment, in fact, more times than I care to count. Over a year and a half later and it still hurts to see her number in my address book. I can't delete it though. That would mean she is really gone forever. It's like erasing the last connection I will ever have with her. (seems silly, I know)
ReplyDeleteThere will always be moments like that. There will always be times when you ask yourself why, and question yourself with the "what if's". There will be days when you feel like you have gotten over the worst of it, and something happens, however small, and you are right back there again.
I wish I could say that it gets easier but it doesn't. I can say though, that your tears of sadness will slowly be replaced by tears of happiness over the good memories. You will laugh about things the two of you shared. You will cry about things the two of you won't be able to share but most importantly, she will always be in your heart and no one can take that away from you.
(((HUGS))) I hope you take me up on my offer before. I mean it. If you need anyone to talk to about this, I am here for you.
Thank you so much! You are a doll. It really is hard to loose a friend. I wont be erasing her name anytime soon. It is somewhat comforting to just scan throgh and see it there. surreal.
ReplyDeleteThat was beautifully written. I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm positive she knew how much you loved her!
ReplyDeleteI am soo sorry for your loss .. but it was a beautiful tribute!!!!
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