Not words that a mother of a toddler wants to hear, ever, unless it is said mother telling toddler to go to BED and REST. The idea of sitting still and caring for a child in order to protect an unborn babe is just horrific. How can a mom explain to a 2 year old that mommy can not play right now, or hold you, or lift you, because of your baby sister? Toddlers do not get it. Shoot, mommies don't get it.
And then you wake up one day and find not only are you on bed rest, but you are on hospital bed rest, away from your toddler, only able to see her via the Internet technology of video chat. And although fabulous that we have this technology, still heart wrenching. And Momma is again forced to try and explain to a toddler that I can't hold you, hug you, kiss you right now because of the "phantom" baby sister whom you don't have the ability to comprehend right now needs momma to be still. Heart wrenching.
The flood of emotions has been unreal for me this week. I think I have just abut hit every emotion there is. Guilt, happiness, sadness, fear, shear terror, relief, anger, excitement, you name it, I have had it. And all at the same time too. Cool feelings, I tell you. I found myself sick with guilt because my darling Baby DIVA has to be without her momma for a while. And at the same moment I house this guilt inside me, I also house this relief that I am doing everything "mommypossible" to protect Critter2. Seriously, its bizarre to house both relief and guilt in the same instance. I hate to be apart from Baby DIVA, but knowing she is safe at home with her Grandma's and H4L also enables me to relax and provide a safe place for Critter2. And then more guilt sets in when I feel this relief because I also feel like I am taking away from my Baby DIVA.
And then there is the sadness because I have to be away from home. Away from my husband. I miss laying beside him and sleeping each night. Well, sort of. Pregnancy insomnia more or less has been hanging out for a while and I really just lay there and listen to him breathe all night, but nonetheless, here in the hospital all I hear is the beep beep of fetal monitors throughout the floor. I am saddened that I cant be home with him to share in the final weeks of this pregnancy with our daughter.
Fear. This is another big one that is running wild this week. I have several levels of fear. First, I fear for the safety of Critter2. We are still very early at 30 weeks 5 days, and if she has to be born now, NICU is a must. She will be tiny. Complications may present. And it is all out of my control. All I can do is give her my love and strength and stand by her side and will her to be strong and grow. And of course hope that Critter2 stays put and grows as long as possible her her womb cooker, eliminating these fears for all of us who love and care for her.
But my fear is not only aimed at the safety of Critter2's well being. I also fear for Baby DIVA and the repercussions of having momma gone for weeks in the hospital bed rested. Or having a baby sister born early that is in NICU. I am fearful about how I will be able to provide Baby DIVA with all the love and devotion she needs while I also provide Critter2 with the love and devotion she needs. Will Baby DIVA understand? Am I capable of being the best mom possible to her, even when I am terrified for the life of Critter2? I am fearful that I might fail my precious Baby DIVA and Critter2. I only want the best for both my girls in every aspect of their life. Can I do this?
And let us not forget my wonderful H4L. I worry about him too. How difficult it must be to be a dad. Especially when you are scared for your child and your wife, and still try and be strong for both when you really just want to sit down and weep. I count myself incredibly lucky that I have such a loving husband that he is a rock for me all the while he is going through the exact same fears and as me. I really couldn't be luckier!
And despite all these negative emotions I also find myself excited and joyful. My family is growing. Baby DIVA is going to be a big sister. I am going to be a mother to my second daughter. H4L is going to be the father to his second daughter. We are bringing a miracle into the world and it is such a blessing. Our family is thriving despite these complications in the getting there. I dream of future days and see H4L, Baby DIVA, myself and Critter2 laughing and smiling and goofing off and I feel surges of happiness and love. It overwhelms the fear and brings a smile to my face. Above all else this emotion supersedes them all. no matter what I am feeling, sad, angry, scared, I am incredibly excited and in love with both my children and my husband...and now have plenty of time to think about it.