Sunday, December 6, 2009

End of life

My Great Grandmother is dying.

Not like the rest of us, but she is actively dying as I type this post. I have never really encountered this scenario. I have never sat next to a loved one as I watched them actively die. I have never had to watch each labored breath my loved one takes and wonder if this will finally be the last breath that takes all the pain away. have never sat in a hosptial room and had my loved one not really even know I am there, present in the room, caring, loving and grieving for them. It is horrendous. I feel like I am in a bad dream.

I have always been on the fence about my feeling on euthanasia in humans. Watching my Great grandmother suffer to her death has allowed me to find out exactly where my feelings lie upon this matter. Sure, I can see both sides of this option. However, at the point I see my Great Granny, I kow exactly how I feel, no questions asked. I do not think anyone should have to undergo such misery when only harder suffering is on the horizon.

She is not going to get better. In fact she is going to get worse. Her lungs have had significant damage from her lifetime. She is 88 years old. She is battling the flu, much like the horrible flu I myself and still fighting off over a month later. She is too weak to suck liquid from a straw. She is DNR and therefore no invasive treatments will take place. A Bipap machine is her lifeline as of here on out. With each labored breath she struggles with such enormity that panic strikes her. She can not be given any sedatives. Why? They might calm her so much that she would die. And that is against the law. So instead we will just have to watch her suffer.

It is sad. I am hurt. I am angry. I am full of mixed emotions. I am hopeful that she passes quickly and can join her husband in their afterlife. I will miss my Great Grandmother incredibly so, but am very happy to have had almost 31 years with her. I just hate that her last days have to be like this. I wish there was more we could do. I wish she did not have to suffer one minute. I wish she could just go peacefully and not feel this pain.

Instead I will continue to visit her often both in person and in spirit. I will tell her stories about Baby DIVA and how she loves her Great Great Granny (no one under 12 may enter the hospital due to swine flu, so Baby DIVA can not visit). I will hold my Great Granny's hand and tell her that I love her, even though she no longer responds to me by voice or by squeezing my hand. I will let her know I am by her side, now and always, and that I hope she passes soon in to the joy of her afterlife.

It is seriously pure misery to watch a love one suffer in this way. One would think that will all the vast amounts of technology we have, that death and dying could be peaceful. Unfortunately that is not an area we seem to focus on advancing in. What a shame. It is quite sad.

My Great Granny holding Baby DIVA on Mother's Day 2009!


  1. I am so sorry you and going through this, and I am sorry your great granny is suffering. I will keep you both in my prayers as you walk this path. (((HUGS)))

  2. I am so sorry, you guys are in our thoughts and prayers

  3. I am so sorry for you and your family. I will be thinking of you and your family. You will be in my prayers.

  4. I am so sorry to hear about this. I lost my Grandma in August and it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I completely understand your anger and sadness..if you need anyone I'm here. I just went through the same thing so I do really understand. Everyone told me this and it brought my heart alot of thankful she got to meet and hold your daughter. My Grandma had that opportunity as well, and for that I'm thankful. I have the perfect picture capturing it, just like you do. :) Thinking about you!

  5. To echo the previousl posts, I too am deeply sorry to hear about your great grandma. I understand how horrible it can be to go through this, it's beyond words.
    You and your family are in my prayers.

    The picture is beautiful. The way she is looking at baby diva?? Amazing.

    ((hugs)) to you.
    Thank you for sharing. . .

  6. I am so sorry to hear that your Great Grandma is suffering. Losing a loved one is never easy but to see them suffer is even harder. I hope that she soon is able to have peace and be with her husband again. Take comfort in knowing that even if she can't respond she knows you're there & what you're saying. What a beautiful picture of her & Baby DIVA.

  7. I am so sorry about your Great Granny. What a joy that she was able to meet and love your sweet Diva. Keep on holding her hand and talking to her. Her spirit knows you are there.


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